


Boyfriend Does My Makeup tag

by WaterTableFluctuation



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Boyfriend Does My Makeup tag, Fluff and Crack, M/M, No Seriously All The Crack, Tag Rambling, This is a terrible idea, What Have I Done, but I would pay to see it happen, izaya orihara is a bad person/influence, izaya orihara is good at weird things, sad attempt at formatting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 11:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2730788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterTableFluctuation/pseuds/WaterTableFluctuation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day in Ikebukuro, a video surfaces from the depths of the internet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boyfriend Does My Makeup tag

_-A click, then rattling mixed in with general sounds of agitation fill the room. The camera spins sideways, then is precariously perched on the edge of a table. A pause; it focuses on a drawer with a mirror perched on top.-_

"-swear I'm not doing this, flea, get that fucking thing out of my face-"

"Aww, Shizu-chan, it's only an eyeshadow brush! Not even mascara."

"I don't care what it is, it's not going to touch- Hey, are you  _filming_  this!?"

"Of course I am, Shizu-chan. That's the whole point."

 _-The video starts with the sound of a man cursing. Then a blond head scoots into view in front of the mirror_.

"Izaya- no, I mean it, I'll toss that thing through the window!"

_-A dark haired man's face also comes into the frame wearing a smirk._

"Shizu-chan~ That's not fair. You didn't mind it when Kanra-chan came out to play, right? So clearly you don't have a problem with makeup."

_-The blond splutters._

"That's different! Completely different!"

"How is it different, then?"

 _-The blond blushes furiously, ducking his head out of the frame. He mutters something indistinguishable._ _The dark haired man's eyes widen for only a split second before the smirk is back in place._

"Shizu-chan, you say the cutest things. That's why I think this is a wonderful idea. You'll be even cuter, ne?"

 _-Scowling, the blond looks up._   _The dark haired man bats his eyelashes._

"Ugh, disgusting flea-"

"Do it for me, Shizu-chan. Either that, or you'll wake up one day with plucked eyebrows. Which one, ne?"

 _-A pause. They smile/glare at each other._   _The blond growls._

" _Ahh,_  fine! Fine, fine, fine. But turn the damn camera off."

"Absolutely not! That would defeat the purpose of this tag."

"What tag? What are you talking about?"

"Heh, don't worry about it. Protozoans don't need to know about these things."

"Fucking louse-"

"Calm down, you beast. We're going to start. Put this on."

_-The dark haired man tosses a pink, stretchy headband at the blond._

"What- why would I put that on?"

"Because you don't want to get makeup in your hair, do you? Girls put their hair back all the time. How do you think they put their makeup on?"

"Yeah, well… why do you even have this? It's pink."

"Excellent observation, Shizu-chan. That's not important. Come here."

_-The blond stretches the headband on and reluctantly moves forward, putting himself a foot away from the dark haired man. The dark haired man gazes almost fondly into the blond's glare until the blond suddenly snaps,_

"What? Get on with it!"

"You have to close your eyes, Shizu-chan. I can't put makeup on until you do that."

"…. Somehow, I don't believe you."

"Which one of us knows more about this, you or me?"

"You, but that's weird enough already."

"Eh, be quiet and close your eyes."

 _-The blond begrudgingly obliges._   _The dark haired man pumps foundation into his hands but makes no move to apply it. Instead, he waits, watching the blond's face. He waits nearly a minute before the blond's brow furrows in irritation. The instant the blond opens his eyes to glower, the dark haired man slaps both hands onto the blond's cheeks, making him yelp and the dark haired man giggle._

"Dammit, that's cold!"

"Ha ha! I didn't even put primer on, and you don't need that much concealer. You have nice skin, Shizu-chan."

 _-Both men fall silent._   _The redness on the blond's face is slowly covered up by the makeup, which is an exact match to the blond's natural skin color. The dark haired man takes his time smoothing it out with his hands._

"Now for the eye shadow. Maybe you need eyelid primer, but I don't think I brought any… Eh, the base color will stay well enough for a protozoan, so I guess it's okay."

_-Judging by the blond's expression, he has no idea what the dark haired man is talking about._

"Keep your eyes closed, Shizu-chan!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know-"

"And stop talking~"

_-The blond lapses into angry silence, letting the dark haired man brush a shimmery taupe eyeshadow over his lids. The dark haired man rambles to himself._

"I think I'll go for the natural look- You're going to be  _sooo_   _pretty_ , for a lower life form, and you don't need that much makeup anyway! I really underestimated what fine bone structure amoebas could have~ "

_-Under the foundation, the blond's face is steadily growing redder._

"Pink or purple? Which one is more innocent-looking… wait, a subtle smoky eye would probably be better. Let's make all the boys swoon when they see you, ne?"

_-The blond demonstrates his familiarity with the dark haired man's style of thinking when he suddenly jerks back from the dark haired man's hands and stares at him._

"Wait- we're not going out like this."

"Mmm… we'll see. It depends on what kind of wigs I have."

_-The blond lunges for the dark haired man's shoulders, narrowly missing him as the latter twists out of the way._

"No! I'm not going to leave this room with this… stuff on my face!"

"Shizu-chan! Don't make me drop this black eyeshadow on your white shirt! That stuff doesn't come out, you know."

_-The blond settles back reluctantly._

"That's better. After black eyeshadow comes blending, then eyeliner, then mascara- no, fake lashes first, then mascara."

_-The blond's eyes fly open at this._

"I don't know what any of that other junk is, but no fake eyelashes. I don't know what those are either, but I can guess!"

"Well… perhaps the lower life form has a point. After all, I don't know how you'll react to mascara, and if we try for fake lashes.. things might be broken, ne? Maybe some other time."

_-Although the blond looks apprehensive at the dark haired man's last words, he also seems relieved that the dark haired man has conceded his point about fake eyelashes._

"I guess I won't trim your eyebrows this time either…"

_-The dark haired man works swiftly, and the eyeshadow is completed smoothly. The pair, however, run into a hiccup when the dark haired man attempts to apply eyeliner._

"No- hey, what are you doing-"

"Relax, Shizu-chan, I already did the top. Now I have to line your bottom lashes. I'm not even applying it to your waterline, so this should be fine!"

"My water…?  _No_  that's too close you're going to stab me in the eye!"

"I  _won't_ , Shizu-chan, I'm very good at this."

_-The blond abruptly stops squirming and pins the dark haired man with a suspicious glare._

"You've done this to other people?"

"Done what?"

"Don't play smart with me, flea, you've applied makeup to other people?"

_-The dark haired man shrugs._

"Maybe. My job puts me in all kinds of situations, you know. When one has many skills, it's best to use them, right?"

_-He chuckles at the blond's helplessly frustrated countenance and waves a hand dismissively through the air._

"Oh come on, you jealous animal, I don't sleep with everyone I put makeup on. You should know that, even if your brain is only a quarter the size of a regular human's."

_-Taking advantage of the blond's stillness, he leans forward and grasps the blond's face with one hand._

"Now hold still. I'm going to put this on."

 _-The eyeliner goes on with minimal fuss, as does the rose lipstick. This is partly due to the mollified expression on the blond's face._   _That crisis averted, the next hurdle for the two comes when the dark haired man pulls out a bottle of mascara. At first, the blond watches interestedly._

"This is the last thing, Shizu-chan. You're going to keep your eyes open for this one."

"Open? Huh, that's good."

_-The dark haired man smirks._

"Hey, where does that stuff go? It looks weird- what the hell are you doing!? Don't put that goop in my eye!"

"It doesn't go into your eye, Shizu-chan, it goes on your eyelashes! Don't be a baby about everything!"

"But… but… how the fuck is it supposed to go on my eyelashes without getting into my eyes!"

"Shizu-chan, that's why I'm putting it on for you. If you were applying it, you would get it all over yourself. But I'm much more skilled! Just keep your eyes open and don't move!"

"Like fuck I will…!"

 _-Sounds of a scuffle._   _The blond scrambles backwards._

" _Haah-_ Okay, you don't believe that it's possible? Look, I'll put it on my own eyes."

_-The dark haired man crosses over to the mirror and applies the mascara to both his top and bottom lashes, humming tunelessly as he does. The blond man watches warily._

"See? Easy. Don't I look prettier?"

"Don't bat your fucking eyes at me. I don't know how you did that so quickly."

"I've had practice. And I'm just good at everything I do. Now will you stop whining?"

"Yeah, whatever. But you better not get that shit in my eye!"

"Of course not. Here we go…"

"…"

"…"

"… OW! Dammit! Goddamn shitty louse! I told you not to get that stuff-"

"It's your own fault, Shizu-chan! I told you not to blink- "

"You never said anything like that, you- "

"I said to keep your eyes open, didn't I? Anyone but an idiot would have known that means not to blink!"

"Shit, now it's everywhere, I can feel it all over my eyes- "

"Stupid protozoan, now it's everywhere! I can fix this, but still- "

"Agh, my eyes are watering like crazy!"

"Shut up Shizu-chan, quit blinking, that makes it worse- "

"I'm blinking because black paint shit is in my eye!"

"Just stop moving, I need to clean the mess you've made. All my hard work…"

"The mess  _I've_  made…! Why, you- who poked me in the eye with that torture device, huh!?"

_-Another brief scuffle, then rustling._

"Luckily for Shizu-chan, I foresaw something like this happening. That's why I brought makeup wipes. Don't move…"

"…"

"…"

"Flea. Are we done with that… black goopy stuff?"

"Hm… I guess that smudged look does kind of work for you. I think we can leave it like that. I hate hearing you whine like a child, it irritates me."

_-The blond reaches forward and lightly touches the flush on the dark haired man's cheek._

"Thanks, Izaya. Although… Are you sure it looks okay?"

_-With a huff, the dark haired man tosses the mascara over his shoulder._

"What,  _now_  you're worried about what it looks like? We're done here anyway. Don't freaking perk up at that, you simple animal, it's a far cry from the innocent maiden look I was attempting to create. It's… well, you should see for yourself."

_-Before the blond can turn toward the mirror, the dark haired man throws out a hand._

"Wait. As long as we're going for the opposite of 'blushing virgin', there's something missing… Ah. Hand me the blush, will you?"

"The… the what?"

"Oh, never mind, just- yes, that, give it to me. Just a little bit on each… and… there."

_-The dark haired man leans back and appraises his handiwork with a slight smile on his lips. His eyes grow half-lidded as he drinks in the sight, the smile turning to a delighted leer._

"Shizu-chan, you look positively inappropriate. I've really outdone myself."

"What! Inappropriate? What's that supposed to mean!?"

_-The blond falls silent as he catches sight of himself in the mirror, mouth dropping open in shock. A glimpse of dark eyes and red lips is all that can be seen before the back of his head obscures the camera's view of his face in the mirror._

"I…. This…. This looks…"

"Ah ha ha ha ha! So you don't have words for it, huh? Or maybe you're just embarrassed to describe what you look like out loud. I can do that for you. You look seductive, alluring, sensual, _debauched_ -"

"Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

" _Ah ha ha ha_ \- or like a- like a-  _prostitute-_  "

"Goddamn louse- "

" _AH HA HA HA HA- but only the_ expensive kind..!"

_-The dark haired man crumples to the floor, howling with laughter. The blond man clenches his fists and shakes, but is powerless to stop the peals of laughter. He watches for long minutes as the dark haired man's mirth slowly subsides and he's left panting on the floor, wet-eyed and holding his sides. He sits up slowly and looks into the blond's face. With a visibly great effort, he does not burst into laughter again, but only giggles._

"Ah.. hah… phew. Shizu-chan, let me get my wigs."

"NO! That is NOT going to happen!"

"Why not? If anyone sees, they'll just think- ha ha ha- that the infamous information broker has hired a-  _ah ha ha ha_ \- a hooker- "

"I am  _not_ going to be seen as your hooker! What if Tom-san is walking around? Vorona? Simon!? Shinra!? I swear, I'm going to kill you before I let that happen!"

"So what if they see? They don't know we're together, right? So they'll just think it's someone they don't know."

"I... I can't believe you don't know what a terrible idea this is! No, wait, I can believe it! You're crazy as hell!"

"How much do you think we'll have to stuff your shirt? I bet Prostitute Girl Shizu-chan is a D-cup or F-cup!"

"I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU LOWLIFE CITY SCUM!"

_-Both men leap out of the camera's sight. A crash, and then outraged shouting and hysterical laughter fill the air. Several percussive thumps indicate objects being thrown, then the camera screen abruptly spins sideways and lands with a clatter. All that's shown now is a black screen._

 

 

TORINOKO NEWS: Your One Stop Underground Source For The Tricks And Turns Of Ikebukuro's Underbelly

**August 12th, 2014:**

Last week in Ikebukuro, the message boards exploded with news of the infamous information broker, Orihara Izaya, and his relationship with a mysterious woman.

"I know he must do many things for his job, but he was treating that person like she was his girlfriend!" one eyewitness raved after seeing the two eating dinner together at a restaurant.

"Well, I saw her myself," Fuju_tan421 stated on one message board. "She was tall and beautiful. Looked just like a streetwalker, but hey, can't account for taste, right?"

"Yeah, she did look like the kind of girl who'd be really good at sex," GiGi69 admitted in response to Fuju_tan421's post. "But she also looked classy! Like, you know, a classy lady- a really elegant lady- who spent all day having sex and just came out into the city without freshening up. Orihara-san kept smiling at her, but she didn't say a word the entire time."

That discussion, and the lady's appearance, sparked rumors that Orihara-san may have a carnal relationship with the mysterious woman. Orihara-san could not be contacted about it afterward, and the lady has not been seen in Ikebukuro since. However, sources tell us that even meeting the lady again may not get us answers.

Glasses-tan, another denizen of the internet, recounts her story. "I was just, like, looking at Orihara-san because he's good-looking. I was just harmlessly appreciating, right. Then the woman just, like, stares me down from across the room for no reason! I wasn't even looking at her weird or anything! Super unapproachable, I'm telling you."

What could possibly be the reason for this unexpectedly date-like scenario? Is this mysterious woman his paramour or just another member of his network? And could she be both?

Inexplicable things often happen where the infamous information broker is involved. After this latest event, Izaya Orihara has proven to be more baffling than ever.

But we, Ikebukuro's underground tabloid network, will definitely get to the bottom of all this!

 

**Author's Note:**

> Izaya is probably very good at makeup, I thought. Because Kanra has to be a convincingly attractive girl, right? So what if... ;lasdjfoneflnl;kjvofnse ;alsdkjovn - and then a whole bunch of madness came out. Not beta-read, so all mistakes are mine.
> 
> P.S. It's more difficult than you'd think to get foundation that perfectly matches your skin tone, so how did Izaya get his hands on some that matched Shizuo? Just imagine Izaya standing in the cosmetics aisle, painstakingly going through every shade and comparing them one by one to the high quality print-outs of Shizuo's face he brought with him, courtesy of several hidden cameras. Later he'll test a couple of foundations shades that he bought on Shizuo's sleeping face in the middle of the night, just so it's perfect when he applies it.


End file.
